Emma’s challenge to connect with someone else about my seeking with God reminded me of a time I felt I had successfully sought a new depth in my relationship with Jesus. It also helped me revisit my current seeking with God. At the moment, I am seeking God as healer. I hope to see Him move in healing and miracles. But I found myself reinforcing unbelief by consistently writing down ‘no change’ after praying.

I removed these comments because I realized I was building in myself an expectation that God wouldn’t heal the person I was praying for. Building a faith that God wouldn’t or couldn’t heal was completely opposite to the hope I had begun with. Part of the goal of persevering in remembering who I prayed for is building an expectancy that God can and will heal.

Formerly, I would become discouraged when it didn’t seem like someone was healed. I think I finally understand what a friend told me once when he said, “Every time I pray and someone isn’t healed, I believe MORE for the next time.” What he said seemed to play completely into the definition of insanity to me. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. I wasn’t able to understand what he meant until writing this post actually.

Earlier this year, God seemed to be asking me to submit my understanding, desire to understand, my knowledge, and my desire to know to Him. So I stopped reading books. I started living in community. Now that I have a bit of separation from the pursuit of understanding, I can look back and see how pressing on in obedience to God without seeing results can build faith. It builds faith because I am refusing to give up on a hope that God has shared with me. Spiritual faith is insanity to logic. I can’t reason my way into love. Love is something lived. Faith is lived more than it is thought. We know faith without works is dead, and I wasn’t doing much with all the knowing and understanding I had acquired. Thankfully, the laws of heaven supersede the laws of earth when the two are in conflict and so I can continue in my foolishness of praying for people to be healed. I can be insane for Christ.

I have yet to see someone healed and have only been told of one person I prayed for being healed. She was quite ill with a cold when I saw and prayed for her. The next day she woke up without any symptoms or post-cold grogginess/soreness. One out of 54 so far. Responding to Emma’s challenge about my seeking, for me, has been to turn to community. I have been praying for others by myself. Seeking, by its very nature, is communal. Seeking is looking outside of myself. I’ve done all the seeking by myself I can do. So I have contacted someone in Fort Wayne who goes and prays for people and is consistently seeing God heal them. Seeking for me now will be praying for others with him. I’m hoping that maybe the manner of my seeking was the only insane element in specifically pursuing seeing God as healer. I can honestly say at this point that I actually am more convinced that God can heal even though my experience doesn’t testify to the truth yet.

Until next time,

Be present

Be God’s

Ben :D