In my reflecting, I found that I would frequently get angry with God. He had made a covenant with me and it didn't seem like He was coming thru. People shared words from God with me (prophecies). These seemed to be ambiguous at times and left me feeling like I had something to hope for but didn't see them being 'fulfilled.' I felt He had made promises to me.
At one point in time I used to carry two pennies in my pocket as a joke and metaphor for having my own ideas and opinions. I was talking to God on a prayer walk and felt so downcast that I threw them into the sky at Him. I missed. And I realized I had no memory of His goodness. In my anger I destroyed my memory of His faithfulness, my memory of His goodness, my memory of His promises. And without any promises from God or recollection of His ever being good, I despaired. Let’s return to the written reflection from earlier. It continued:
"I was aided by the idea that even the off hand chance of the reality of the hope of glory is enough to press on because it’s better than nothing. It reminds me of the Marshwiggle’s response to the witch in C.S. Lewis’ ‘The Silver Chair’ while under her enchantment. He tells her even if he has only dreamed up all the goodness of Narnia, he is still on Aslan’s side even if there’s no Aslan to lead it. He is going to live like a Narnian even if there isn’t a Narnia. He’s going to look for it even if he’ll never find it. He’s setting out into the dark to search for it because it’s better than the reality the witch would have him believe. It’s better than the reality the witch was subjecting him to.
And I guess if there’s half a chance of the reality of Christ then there’s the possibility it could get better for me eventually because of that glimmer of glory. The glimmer of love; that God is somehow good even when I don’t feel it. I’m sorry you hurt. I’m sorry you want to walk away. I’ve been there and find myself there from time to time. May hope live in you again in Jesus’ name. Even the faintest hope provides fuel for the faintest faith.
And honestly I say this to you because I want to walk away. But I’ve given Jesus everything. I need Him to come through on those promises because I have nothing else. Which leads me to days where I don’t want to go on; days I don’t believe I can go on."
I hope you will carry on and return for the final section. We’re nearly there.